


How to Breathe (When you're not There)

by wi22iou



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Graphic Description, Hurt/Comfort, Suicide, Violence, of a minor character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-01-21
Packaged: 2019-10-13 18:17:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17492852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wi22iou/pseuds/wi22iou
Summary: Amy and Jake have known each other a long time. When a mission goes bad, Amy needs her partner to breathe again.





	How to Breathe (When you're not There)

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure where this came from. Hope it is not too all over the place. 
> 
> Unbeta'd - all mistakes are mine.
> 
> Please heed the warnings. 
> 
> I listened to the Inception soundtrack while writing.

Amy Santiago is many things: Detective in the NYPD, daughter to Cuban immigrant parents, sister to seven older brothers, art-history major, etc. 

One of those things is partner to Jake Peralta. 

It’s no secret that her and Jake did not get along at first. He’s childish, messy, thinks fruit-rollups are a food group and hasn’t been to the dentist in ten years. Over time, they seemed to work through some of the issues and became the best pair of detectives the 99th precinct has ever seen. 

She realized that behind all the jokes and antics was a cop who wanted to be the best damn cop in New York. He wanted to solve crimes, work through cases, and bring in the bad guys. He was methodical when it came to case work which is something she could definitely appreciate. She was not surprised when he was chosen for the undercover mission with the FBI to infiltrate the Ianucci family. It was a long six months without him. Especially with the bombshell that he dropped right before he left. When he came back, and still admitted his feelings for her, she was confused, but chose to tell him that she was still dating Teddy. Once she and Teddy fizzled out a few months later, she was still confused about her feelings for Jake. She chose to throw herself into her open cases, grinding through them at a fast rate. She even managed to solve a few older cases that had gone cold. 

 

As partners, they knew a lot about each other. He knew all her brother’s names and what order they are in; she knows that he takes his mom to the synagogue as much as his schedule allows. He knows about her anxiety and panic attacks and knows how to de-escalate a mild panic attack before it turns into a serious one. (The one time he was too late and it had already melted into a serious attack is a moment he will never forget.) They both have each other’s parents phone numbers saved into their department-issued cellphones as well as personal phones. Jake always makes sure to text her parents on Nochebuena, Christmas and Easter just like Amy texts Jake’s mom on Hanukkah, Passover and Rosh Hashanah. They know more about each other than anyone else. It makes for a good partnership, but can also make for confusing feelings. 

 

It was a random Friday in late fall. It was going to be one of those days where she needed to be alone with her thoughts. Things with Jake had been good lately, just getting off a long string of B & E’s that had taken up the last week and a half of their lives. Her anxiety had not been so bad, she was using all the calming techniques she learned in high school and college to keep her panic in check, but she was ready for some calm days of filing and paperwork. She was at her desk when the captain’s phone rang in his office. She heard him get up and shut his door. Going back to her paperwork, she noticed Jake watching the captain through his office windows. “Something big is happening, “he said. “I can see that the captain is not talking very much on the phone. Maybe it’s a lead on a case! Or a new case! A high profile one! The mayor has been kidnapped, or- “ He was cut off by the Captain coming out of his office and getting everyone’s attention. “A tip came in for the Dawson murders. They may have found the perp. We need to gear up and go now.”

 

Suddenly she found herself in riot gear with the rest of the squad and headed to the scene. The anonymous tip was that their suspect was holed up in an abandoned apartment complex on the edge of the precinct with others in the building on lookout, and was not going to go down without a fight. The mood was tense, but with a touch of excitement, as they haven’t had to gear up like this in a few months. Once on scene, they were met with members of the 9-2 and SWAT. 

Amy hung back and waited to be told what was going to happen. She could see in the distance that Sarge, Captain Holt, and the Captain of the 9-2 were conferring with each other on what the plan was. They had the building surrounded, but obviously did not want to spook the people inside. Jake came up to her and nudged her shoulder with his and asked “You ready for this?” She looked up at him and said “Of course, we’ve been tracking this guy for months.” “I know!” Jake exclaimed, “I am so ready to catch this- SQUAD!” the booming voice of Sarge cut him off. Everyone turned and looked at Sarge. “We have a plan, and are ready to execute.” He turned to the Captain of the 9-2. 

 

“Our intelligence tells us that they have people on the top three floors of the complex. We need teams to go on each of the bottom four floors just to make sure they are clear. The 9-2 and 9-9 will confirm that the four bottom floors are clear, then with the assistance of SWAT, will go onto the top three floors. We will also have people waiting to go onto the roof and assist from above.” Captain Holt went on to explain everyone’s individual locations. Sarge and Diaz were taking the roof, Boyle, Peralta and Amy were taking the bottom floors and then assisting with SWAT. He looked around, “Any questions?” No one said anything. “Okay.” He paused for a second. Sarge cut in with a “NINE-NINE?!” “NINE-NINE!” they all said loudly. 

 

They get into position and Amy finds herself sandwiched between Boyle and a member of the 9-2, seeing that Jake was in front of Boyle. SWAT was following behind, waiting for the all clear. Boyle was trying to talk to Jake about the perp, saying he read in an article that this guy apparently used to run a high-end restaurant in Williamsburg that served the most amazing desserts before falling into the debt and having to close the place down, thus the criminal activity. She could tell that Jake was only half listening. “Boyle!” she hissed. “Question him about his stupid world famous chocolate mousse once we have him cuffs why don’t you?” Boyle looked at her with surprise. “I didn’t think to ask him, but now I will.” he replied smugly. She rolled her eyes at the same time Jake looked back and did the same. She stifled a smile and turned her attention to the front door that was about to be kicked down by a member of the 9-2. 

 

Once the door was down, they all filed in spreading out to cover a part of the floor. Immediately she could see why no one was down here. It was completely open on all sides. Not a wall or door to hide behind. Once they had all spread out and ensured that the area was clear, they moved to go up to the next floor. Finding that the next three floors were all the same open floor plan in different stages of repair. Amy could hear through her radio, the commanding officer of SWAT advising that there were at least two people on the next floor, five on the next, and 4 including the main suspect on the top floor, but they could not confirm the number on the top floor since the windows were blocked. They silently go up the stairs to the next floor where the two people surrender easily. The next floor is more of a fight. One of the lookouts thinks he can outsmart a bunch of cops in riot gear and ends up unconscious. The others try to escape but are captured. Finally, they reach the top floor where they find the door ajar. This can’t be good Amy thinks as SWAT approaches. She notices that Jake and Boyle have ended up behind her in the line up the stairs. She looks behind her and notices a concerned look on Jake’s face. He’s probably thinking along the same lines. The lead SWAT officer gives the command and they bust through the door at the same time as the roof detail comes in through the door leading to the roof and the windows right next to it. The next few seconds happen so fast, that Amy barely has time to blink and raise her gun before she hears a BANG and sees the suspect shoot himself and go down. 

 

The next few hours are a blur of SWAT calling in the suicide, more officers coming up the stairs securing the scene, EMT’s taking the unconscious lookout out by gurney, CSI techs coming in, the Medical Examiner coming on scene, and the press showing up trying to get past the barricades. She finds herself sitting in the back of the police van taking off her helmet, and trying to stop her hands from shaking too hard. Soon, the rest of the squad join her and they are released from the scene. As they head back to the precinct, the ride is silent except for the occasional ding of someone’s phone. Amy cannot stop the barrage of thoughts going through her mind. Hearing the shot, seeing his head jerk back, watching him slump to the floor with a trail of blood on the wall behind him. She’s no stranger to these types of things, but it still takes her breath away. She can feel Jake’s eyes on the back of her head. She turns once and he looks at her questioningly – mouthing “you okay?” She lifts one shoulder up a little and turns back around. 

 

Once they return to the precinct, she heads to the locker room, sheds the riot gear, neatly folding and piling everything into a bundle to be returned to the storage room, and changes back into her pantsuit. She pauses for a few moments and breathes, hoping that her hands will really stop shaking soon, and she can get herself under control. Once at her desk, she can see most of the squad has changed and is packing up to go home. She clicks around on her computer, saving all the documents and case notes she had open before the call came in, and was turning off her monitor when Jake sat down at his desk and looked at her. “You wanna head to Shaw’s for a drink?” he asks turning off his monitor and gathering his jacket and bag. “I think Diaz, Gina, and Boyle are going.” She looks up from getting her purse out of the side drawer and shrugs. The last thing she feels like doing is going out. She can feel the adrenaline from earlier wearing off. Shrugging, she says “I think I am going to head home and shower. Thanks for the invite.” “Okay” he says, “But text me later if you decide to come out. Or if you know, you need a friend..” Gathering her purse, coat and scarf, she nods and heads to the elevator while Jake watches her leave.  
Once she is home and in the shower, the gravity of the day finally hits her. She finds herself on the floor of the tub trying to breathe through the tears and sobs. Instead of tamping them down, she just lets it happen, knowing it will be better in the long run. After gaining some semblance of self-control, she gets out of the shower and changes into sweatpants and an old T-shirt before making a cup of tea and curling on the couch. Grabbing her phone, she notices a few texts from Jake. 

Jake: U sure ur ok?  
Jake: I know today was tough.  
Jake: call if u need me  
Jake: Shaws is boring w/o u. Boyle is sad he culdnt ask the dude for his moose recipe.  
Amy smiles slightly at the last text, remember their shared eye-roll over Boyle’s enthusiasm.  
Amy: I’m okay, thanks for asking.  
Amy: I don’t really want to talk about it if it’s okay, just going to try and sleep tonight.  
Amy: Charles…  
Amy sees the dots come up with Jake’s response as she sends an eye-roll emoji.  
Jake: Ok, just makin sure.  
Jake: text me if u need to 2nite.  
Jake: Boyle will be Boyle.  
Amy sends the sleepy-face emoji along with a “Good night” before putting her phone down and turning on the T.V. She finds a few unwatched episodes of a baking show that she hasn’t watched and settles onto the couch. 

After watching the episodes, she finds herself yawning. Grabbing her phone, she puts the mug in the sink, turns off the kitchen light and goes into her bedroom. Once finished with brushing her teeth and putting her hair into a low ponytail, she climbs into bed, plugs her phone in and rolls over. Getting comfortable isn’t hard, she’s alone in a queen-sized bed. She scoots over to the middle and pulls the covers up. Laying there, she wills her brain to shut off. She does some deep breath exercises before she falls into a fitful sleep. 

 

She’s in riot gear, in the apartment complex. Jake is in front of her as someone kicks the door down. They rush in to an ambush of gunfire and broken glass spraying everywhere. She notices that the suspects are armed with semi-automatic weapons. She starts firing her gun hitting one who falls. In the next instant she’s being lifted off her feet by an explosion. There’s fire now, overtaking part of the room in front of where she is laying. She lifts her head to see Charles kneeling over someone. “CHARLES!” she screams, but the sound of the inferno overtakes her voice. Sarge comes up and grabs her off the floor and takes her to where Charles is. Jake is lying there with his eyes open, but in a pool of blood. He has a blank stare and isn’t responding. “NOOOOOO!” she screams. “JAKE, WAKE UP, JAKE WAKE UP!” She grabs him and shakes his upper body. “WAKE UP PLEASE. PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!! DON’T LEAVE ME!” – she wakes up mid scream and realizes she is on the floor of her bedroom, blankets tangled up around her. Wiping her face, she lays back down on the floor and tries to catch her breath. The dream was so real. The apartment complex was the exact same one as in today’s mission. Seeing Jake like that is terrifying. He’s her partner, best friend, confidante; there’s no telling what she would do if something were to happen to him. 

Shaking, she gets up and sits on the edge of her bed. Looking at her alarm clock, she sees that it is 3:37 am. Grabbing her phone, she sends a text before thinking.

 

Amy: Are you awake?  
Amy: What a stupid question, it’s 3:37 in the morning.  
Amy: Sorry, I said anything.

She puts her phone down and buries her face in a pillow. A few seconds later, her phone buzzes. 

Jake: yeah, im up. U ok?  
Amy: Not really, nightmare. Had to do with earlier.  
Jake: wanna talk about it?  
Amy: it was awful  
Amy: You were in it. You didn’t make it.

She shivers as she types this, panic still not gone. 

Jake: Dang, rough. U havin a paniv attack?  
Jake: Panic  
Amy: I’m not sure, feels like it.  
Jake: I can come over and we can watch Die Hard!  
Amy: You don’t have to come over, it’s so late. 

She wants him to come though, he knows just what to do when she’s panicking.  
Jake: U want me to come over tho. I know it. I know u dnt want to b alone, right?  
Amy: I don’t, but it’s late, and work… I can handle it.  
Jake: dnt worry, I’ll be over soon, buzz me in.  
Amy: Okay. 

She gets up and grabs a sweatshirt to put on while sitting on the couch waiting for Jake. Her breathing has slowed somewhat, but her hands are still noticeably shaking. 

 

Twenty minutes later, her buzzer goes off and she lets him in. He knocks a minute later and she opens the door to find him slightly winded holding a few grocery bags. “Hey Ames, got you some soup and ice cream since I know you haven’t eaten.” She moves over to let him in and shuts the door while he takes off his shoes, neatly putting them next to her boots. “Thanks Jake, you’re right, I haven’t eaten, not that hungry right now though.” As she is saying this, he is already in her kitchen, putting the soup in the refrigerator and the ice cream in the freezer. 

She doesn’t follow, instead choosing to go into her bedroom and sit on the edge of the bed. A moment later, he follows holding another bag. “Hey, you okay?” he says putting the bag down and sitting next to her. She shakes her head, still thinking about the dream and the preceding events. “No, I’m really not. This day was so hard. I know we see this shit all the time, but he was right there in front of me. We didn’t even have time to talk to him or calm him down. He just did it.” She hiccupped, starting to shake again, tears forming in the corner of her eyes. Jake put his arm around her, rubbing her upper arm. “It’s okay Amy, I know we see this all the time, but it never gets easier. You just become numb to it while on the job, and then process later. It happens with most cops, myself included.” She takes a breath, hoping to steady her voice, but instead starts crying. Tears are falling into her lap as she whimpers and tries to wipe them away. 

 

Jake helps her stand up and pulls her into his chest. She cries into his chest while he rubs his hands up and down her back. She can feel his lips pressing onto the top of her head as he holds her. When she finally gains control of her tears, she looks up at him. She can see he has tear tracks on his face and suddenly it’s like a fog has lifted; all the confusion about her feelings for him fade away as she leans up on her toes and kisses him. He hesitates for a moment, then wraps his arms around her and kisses her back.  
Once the kiss ends, they look at each other with wide eyes. “Oh my god.” She says. “I’m so sorr-” he cuts her off by quickly kissing her. “Stop, do not apologize.” He says. “I’ve wanted to do that for months” as he rests his forehead against hers. “I’m sorry that it had to be under these circumstances, but I am so happy right now.” She blushes and looks down as a yawn overtakes her. “Ugh, getting up for work is going to be so hard.” She says. “Don’t worry about that, I emailed Holt when you texted and said we needed to be off.” She sagged against him, not even that upset at missing a day of work considering how tired she was. “We should get some sleep, and maybe talk tomorrow morning before we watch Die Hard.” She says, smiling at him. He grins, lighting up the room. “I brought all the Die Hard’s so we are set!” 

 

She climbs into bed and gestures for him to join her. He quickly strips down to his boxers and undershirt before getting under the covers. “I know we have so much to talk about tomorrow, and are both falling asleep right now, but I am the happiest I have ever been.” He whispers into her ear. She smiles at him, and turns over. He wraps his arm around her, snuggling up. Tomorrow, he thinks, as he closes his eyes with a smile on his face.


End file.
